update

I have been busy busy in the last couple weeks: finished that godawful genetics class (by that I mean its organization; the material seemed useful and cool). And then went to Ithaca to visit old friends and attempt career counseling (not successful). I will write on that later. But first, I have to get down this crazy experience I had last night.

My friend Dan asked me to go to a Packer game last night, and of course, I wouldn't pass up the chance to see something that institutionalized in Wisconsin history, so I agreed to go. The drive up was unremarkable, we end up in Green Bay uneventfully and go inside. Of course, the experience of being in Lambeau itself is cool. This is because so many things about the culture of Wisconsin can be observed here: the beer, the cheering, the sports team. And of course, the people. It reminded me of the middle tier of high school, all the people who were nice and naive and did average high school things and had Wisconsin families and generally were pretty happy with their little lives. It's the people who were worked at the grocery store, whose parents liked sports bars, and who had sex on prom night, and who cheered on the local foodtball team. They are all nice, generically decent looking, placid like sheep kind of people. And this is where they gather. (note: this sounds pissed off, but I just really find it interesting that their lives are so different than mine). Anyway, you look around and see the heart of the nation, just regular folks.

Things started getting weird and somewhat magical realism-like when it started to pour. And it rained, and rained. We're just sitting there, looking around, and people are soaked and cheering and all sorts of things. You look up and sheets of rain are coming into the stadium, you can see their pattern in the lights, it's a hundred feet of raindrops lit up in the sky. At some point everyone just starts cheering wildly and we join it, it's crazy that we're all outside, soaking wet and just accepting it. Eventually the game ends, that was fine and all, and we move on out. It's strangely funny (maybe I was just tired), because this is such a ridiculous situation - totally soaked, and getting in the car for the next 2 hours or so. It feels like a big adventure. This leads to some kind of giddy strange mood itself. In the car, we start off with filler chat of some sort, ultimate, friends, whatever. And then, sometimes this happens with Dan, we get into really serious conversation. And we're talking about life and love, all the big things, and it's really intense. The rain is seriously coming down still, and the conversation is just clicking. He's telling me these things he thinks about, and these nightmares he has, and I know this is not one of those things you talk about with just anyone. I find myself telling Dan that he's a great guy and it's sounding like I have these 'big feelings' coming for him. And somehow I kind of believe it, in that situation. We miss the exit, maybe because it was raining so hard or maybe because this conversation is really intense. There is something about sitting in the dark, in the rain, with huge lightning flashes every once in a while, that made this trip so surreal. With all this talk, I myself start to wonder what I'm really feeling. I wonder how this time in the car seems like one intense moment that goes on and on, and keeps getting deeper and richer. There is a time when we are strangely wavering, like, someone could bring up a new neutral topic or we could continue on this slightly dangerous and increasingly intimate talk. And we don't bring up a neutral topic, neither one is uncomfortable enough to end this train of thought. At one point, the rain was coming down so hard that we pulled over momentarily. I think those few minutes will stick with me for a long time: rain is streaming down the car and the Police are on the stereo, and it's just the rain and the music and the dark and the two of us. I know what I wanted in that moment, I wanted to stop and kiss and have the rain go on forever. I don't know if he noticed too (maybe he was more preoccupied with the weather), but I felt some palpable thing, some tension and desire and intensity. We kept going then, the moment had passed. And this kind of conversation continues, until we get into telling suggestive stories about sex and desire and everything. In retrospect, I realize, this was all pretense to get the other person thinking about certain things. The rain had stopped by now, and it was just dark roads and us. I know he was driving more slowly, I didn't say anything because I almost didn't want the ride, the adventure, the danger, to end either. I don't want to write down the ending...it's just that this part is perfect and appropriately intense on its own. And I don't want to forget that, even if I can't reasonably explain it to myself the next day.